Red flags, boundaries and rules; what's the difference?

Quite often, I see people confusing these three terms in social media group discussions. Yet, they are three very different things. Today, I wanted to share my definition and perspective on each of these expressions.

🚩 Red flag: a warning sign

A red flag is an attitude and/or behavior that another person demonstrates that puts your psychological health and/or physical integrity at risk.

It may include the following examples:

• Any form of violence (psychological, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, etc.)

• The inability to communicate calmly and efficiently (like a person who screams instead of talking)

• Not respecting someone's consent

A red flag is a warning sign that indicates that a relationship is potentially dangerous or unhealthy.

🧭 Personal boundary: what I refuse to accept

A personal boundary is something that you refuse to accept within a relationship.

Where as a red flag is an attitude or a behavior someone else displays, a personal boundary applies to oneself and to the actions that one decides to take, in reaction to any given situation.

A personal boundary is not something to impose on others. It is a conscious decision that one makes for oneself in order to protect one's well-being.

📏 Rules: what we impose on others

A rule is something that we impose on others in order to alleviate our own discomfort.

Although rules may be necessary within some environments, like at work or with children at home, they tend to become problematic when they are imposed between adults who are in a relationship.

In this context, we cannot genuinely impose a rule onto another adult. The only thing we can do is express our own boundaries and choose our own actions.

Here are a few concrete examples

Communication when a conflict occurs

🚩 Red flag

When someone becomes verbally or psychologically abusive when a conflict arises and is incapable of communicating calmly.

As a result, one chooses to end all contacts with this person.

🧭 Personal boundary

When one expresses their personal boundary and acts accordingly to safeguard their well-being.

I will not tolerate being yelled at when a conflict occurs. If it happens, I will choose to remove myself from the situation in order to preserve my own peace of mind, while waiting for the other person to calm down so that we could discuss the issue at hand later on.

📏 Rule imposed on someone else

A rule if often perceived as an ultimatum that will dictate an attitude or behavior one is expected to have. It is up to the other person to adapt to our request.

" Stop yelling! Otherwise I won't talk to you anymore."

Controlling whom one can have a relationship with

🚩 Red flag

When someone is attempting to control whom one can and cannot see.

"You have to cut ties with all people from the opposite gender, whether they are friends, family or coworkers."

This type of request is often a warning sign of domestic violence in a relationship.

As a result, one chooses to end all contacts with the person demanding this from me.

🧭 Personal boundary

When one expresses their personal boundary and acts accordingly to safeguard their well-being.

"I am not comfortable to be in a relationship with someone who has friends from the opposite gender. Therefore, I will choose to not be in a relationship with this person, without making them feel guilty about their own personal boundaries. We are simply incompatible, and that's okay."

In this case, no one is forced to change who they are. It's a simple matter of incompatibility.

📏 Rule imposed on someone else

A rule if often perceived as an ultimatum that will dictate an attitude or behavior one is expected to have. It is up to the other person to adapt to our request.

"You must put an end to all of your friendships with people from the opposite gender, because it's bothering me."

When three concepts overlap

Red flags, personal boundaries and rules may be overlapping sometimes. 

What is a red flag for one person may be a personal boundary for someone else. Our perspectives are shaped by our own experiences, our values and our needs.

A healthier approach to building relationships

The best way to build and maintain a healthy relationship, is not to impose your rules on someone else.

It is also being able to identify the red flags, and end the relationship as early as possible. Especially, if your psychological health and/or physical integrity are at risk.

It is also about learning how to express our own personal boundaries in a clear, concise and calm manner.

It is about developing the strength and courage required to take the necessary actions whenever our personal boundaries have been disrespected.

In any case, we can't control the actions and reactions of other people around us. The one and only person we can control is ourselves along with our reactions! 

What about you?

How do you define red flags, boundaries and rules?